❤ Chapter One┆ Closer Than You Think

                After sitting quietly for a few minutes, Nalia finally got up. She stretched and then looked down at Raziel, “How about I make us some pancakes?”

                Raziel smiled and nodded, “That sounds good, Mother.” Slowly, he rose from his spot on the couch and moved over to their small dining table. “Can you put blueberries in them?”

                “Of course I can!” Nalia said cheerfully as she gathered all of the necessary ingredients. “So, you’re going to be starting school soon. Are you excited?”

                “I don’t know. I think I am . . . I’ll get to meet more kids my age, right?”

                “Of course you will! You’ll meet boys and girls that are all around your age. Some will be a bit older, some a bit younger, but they’ll all be around your age.”

                Raziel smiled. He felt a little more excited, “Hey, Mother, what was your first day of school like?”

                “Hmm . . .” Nalia moved over to the stove, “I remember that I was very nervous at first. I wouldn’t let go of my father’s hand. After I got inside the classroom, it wasn’t so bad. The teacher I had was sweet, and my classmates were . . . okay. All in all, I had fun  . . . until I found out we had to do work,” Nalia looked over her shoulder at Raziel and winked.

She finished cooking the pancakes and then brought them over to the table. The two ate in silence. When they finished, Raziel stood and took their plates. “I’ll wash the dishes today,” he said quietly. Nalia smiled and ruffled his hair before walking outside to check the mail.

There was always a little hesitance when it came to getting the mail. Nalia knew that there would only be sheets of paper, but what was written the paper is what scared her. What would Asriel tell her this time? She didn’t want to find out, and the voice in the back of her mind told her that she didn’t have to. The logical part of her mind disagreed. The letters always contained something useful, and if Asriel was to return this year, Nalia was going to need as much information about what was going to happen as she could get.

Slowly, she opened the mailbox and took out its contents. She sifted through the pile until she found what she was looking for: a black envelope with her name written in a red, elegant script. A sigh escaped her lips. A part of her always hoped that the letters wouldn’t come, that maybe Asriel had forgotten about her. Those hopes were futile; Asriel wouldn’t forget about her. Not now, not ever.

Nalia took the mail inside and sat down at the table. Raziel was nowhere to be seen. Nalia assumed he had gone to his room. He had gotten into a habit of doing that on this day, and while it pained Nalia to know that her feelings were so obvious that her son avoided her, it was for the best. She didn’t want him to see the letters, at least not until he was older. I’ll tell him one day . . . he’s too young to understand . . . she always told herself.

After opening the letter, Nalia took a deep breath in and held it for a few seconds before letting it out. She always thought that this would help her to relax, but it didn’t. Her hands were still shaking, and she was still scared to see what was written. She couldn’t stall any longer though; she had to begin reading before she gave up on it completely. After taking another deep breath, Nalia began reading.

To my Dearest Nalia,

My, my, time flies, doesn’t it? Ten years already. You know what that means, don’t you, darling? Certainly you haven’t forgotten. Ah, of course you haven’t. I’ve made it a point to remind you for the past nine years. That is, if you have been reading the letters. If you haven’t, well, that’s very unfortunate, and, quite honestly, it pains me a little. I doubt you’re that ignorant though.

Anyway, Nalia, dear, I’m so proud of you. You haven’t told anyone about our midnight rendezvous, not even our son. You’ve been so strong for so long. Soon enough, your hardships will be over. We’ll be together, you, me, and our son.

Isn’t it exciting? I, personally, can’t wait. Well, couldn’t is a better word. Yes, Nalia, I’m much closer than you think I am.

Much closer.

Do you think I’m being a little too impatient? Coming before you even read this letter? Oh, don’t look so terrified, darling, I won’t be bothering you for quite a while, or at least that’s how I hope it will be. Just don’t get scared now and go run your mouth and we shouldn’t have any problems.

That is all I have to tell you now, darling. I’m sorry that this letter couldn’t be more . . . informative. I want to keep things a surprise until we meet again.

                                                                                                                --Asriel

                The letter shook violently in Nalia’s hands. H-he’s already here . . . On Ennis Island . . . So many thought flooded into Nalia’s mind. When was he going to come for her and Raziel? Where was he hiding? What were his plans?

                These thoughts terrified her. She jumped whenever Raziel came into the living room. For a long moment, he stared at her.  “Mother, are you okay?”

                Nalia sat motionlessly before jumping from her seat. “Oh, um, y-yes, I’m great, Razi!” she laughed nervously. “Um, I’m going to . . . go to my room for a while. You’ll be okay, won’t you?” She smiled. Nalia felt her lip quivering.

                Raziel stared at her for a moment before a despondent look crossed his face. “I’ll be okay . . . I have been for the past nine years . . .” With that, he turned around and went back to his room.

                Those words alone made Nalia’s heart break even more. Quietly, she turned around and made her way up to her room.  After she was inside, she locked the door behind her and crawled onto her bed.

                She cried.

                She cried because she was terrified for her and her son.

                She cried because she was ashamed of herself over something she couldn’t help.

                She cried because she couldn’t tell Raziel what was wrong, and he deserved to know more than anyone else. Ever since he was old enough to talk, he had to listen to his mother cry. Nalia remember all the times he would ask her why, and she would have to make an excuse. On top of that, he would always ask where daddy was. What was Nalia supposed to tell him when she didn’t even know herself?

                It killed her inside. She wanted, more than anything, for Raziel to have a wonderful life, but all he had was an emotional mother, a tiny house with a basement bedroom, no father, no friends, and on top of that, his whole life would be changed by a ten year old secret before the year was over.

                What would Raziel think when he found out the truth? Would he be angry, sad, upset? Would he possibly be . . . happy? Nalia buried her face into her pillow. Why would Raziel be happy? Why would she even think that? Of course he would be meeting the father that he’s waited so long to meet, but certainly he wouldn’t be happy after hearing what his father did to her. He may carry the blood of that devil, but he has a heart of gold . . .

* * *

             

                Guilt. It was, in Raziel’s opinion, one of the worst emotions a person could feel. He often wondered if it was because it was the feeling he felt most. Was it even his fault? All he wanted was to know what was wrong with his mother, make her happy again, but he always said the wrong things at the wrong time. Of course it was his fault. He didn’t have to say such hateful things when she was hurting. There were a number of things he could have done.

                It’s too late now . . . Raziel thought as he made his way down to his room. He stepped inside and stood at the doorway for a moment to bask in the cool air. He then closed his door, grabbed a book from one of his bookcases, and then sat down in his favorite chair. Reading always made him feel better. The stories inside the books . . . it was like they pulled him inside and took him to a different world; a world where things were exciting and adventurous, not full of laments and guilt.

                The books didn’t work on days like this. Raziel couldn’t forget about his mother long enough to get sucked in. All he wanted to do was help her, but she always pushed him away. That wasn’t how it was supposed to be . . . was it?

                Raziel sighed. Of course not. The books he read always had parts where a mother and her child would come together to get over an obstacle. Whether it was a simple emotional breakdown or a grand adventure ahead of them, they always came to each other at some point. Why couldn’t his mother come to him? What was she so cautious about? He closed his book. Those letters and that book she was always reading and writing in had to have something to do with it. Raziel noticed that she always tried to hide them whenever he came near, but he always caught glimpses of the items. The worn book. The black envelopes. They had to mean something! But what . . .

                You know where the book is hidden . . . you could always get it while she’s sleeping . . . Raziel felt guilty for even considering it. That was his mother’s privacy! He couldn’t just take it . . . could he? He sighed and walked over to his bed. It was only noon, but he was already tired. After changing back into his pajamas, he crawled into bed and lay there for a long time before he began to drift off to sleep. When he closed his eyes, an almost immediate feeling of paranoia swept over him. He sat up and looked around his dimly-lit room. Nothing. Nowhere to hide. Slowly, Raziel slid back under the covers. Something was wrong. Something was . . . coming. No. Something was already here . . . but what?

               Raziel shook his head. “I should have gone to sleep earlier last night. Quit imagining things, brain . . .” he said quietly.